I'll never play nice again

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I guess its my fault I fell to hard, too fast And I ignored my inner voice playing in my head, he'll break your heart in two it said, over and over again Thoughts spin through my mind a thousand times but still these rhymes are twisted fairytales And its scary how frail I really am, how unstable the ground I stand is shifting my land And I demand he admit his feelings weren't non-existant But he turns as cold as ice, he was my only vice And all my tries were feeble attempts at a glimpse into his soul His only goal to pull me apart, see what makes me tick But the wick of my flame has died all the same And now all I crave is his taste, and the feel of his skin against mine Those dark probing eyes pulling me apart at the seams And now I hold back my screams and let the dark demented things that roam in my mind question what's inside of me I beg you to set me free, let my heart bleed out till there's nothing left to break, because I can't take one more second of this deafening silence It prays on me with violence, screaming like violins; heartwrenching in its sins Another chapter begins and I see its never the end, I'm eternal no matter how badly my soul bends and writhes in pain, I'm not dying, I'm just going insane I wish I could've tamed my emotions, kept you with me a little longer But these feelings come pouring out like oceans Every caress, every kiss, every penetrating gaze I felt my defenses melt, I felt my heart hook deeper into this sadistic game I'll never be the same I can only hope I don't ache for you forever, I can only hope I don't break and this love fever does I hope these chemicals flush from my system I hope my vision clears and my fears abade I hope my heart doesn't fade into numbing coldness I hope my boldness in love doesn't diminish into walls that finish these barriers and wrap around my soul That you don't pull me into oblivion That my sun will rise again, and I can give love another try, another time And hopefully mine will be returned not turned away like a leper trying to play with the distinguished of society My propriety turned to dust when I felt this unquenchable lust This passion; I've never felt such a tragic addiction And the infliction of your rejection was like knives in my stomach, and I just can't stomach this burning pain, this dying connection This is my last grain of comprehension I will fall to descension, I'll suck them all and I'll never break their fall I'll eat their insides and make my rides fast and dirty As the tides begin to push I'll shift alone this time Because I can't handle another tear at my soul My fire will be fueled by lust, and I'll let this love turn to ashes I'll rise again inside this creation I'll never accept another soul invasion This is my final revelation That I cannot station myself to another heartfelt admittance of my truths These wounds will heal, the black and blues that paint my soul in bruises will seal up and I won't give up on life No matter how much this strife rips at my insides, I'll never play nice again.

Death

Your words are like poison
Dripping in my ear with lies and filling my eyes with tears
Over the years you've chased me
Fulfilling the prophecy of your self chosen name, you are toxic in your games
I hear your tone, your voice and your words and I feel disgust
I feel hatred
I feel weariness in my state...
I rid myself of you, and then you pulled me back in
Psychically stalking me in our remaining connection
I should have taken the rejection
I should have left when you cursed my dreams
When you ripped apart the seams of my reality
Everything you say is a trap, a trick, a mind fuck
Your pessimistic attitude has given you coyotes luck
Why did I stick around?
I'm turning numb from the sound of your voice
Its gone on too long
I feel this has been nothing but a battle, and this song has been filled with sorrow
I feel your watching me
My every move, my every action
Your paranoia has spread like a disease
Please let me be free...
This toxic release has left these tumors to decease
I know who you are...
Your one of them
The dirty watchers that bend this reality to your slave mindset
Your own kind ruined you
And you let them, you took their pills and played their game, you were their victim because you strayed
You strayed from their path, you began to fall in love with me and love yourself as well
But you never severed them from your spyche
Why keep them around?
Why stay bound to the puppet masters that sound your actions
Why stay numb in your reactions, is emotion that painful?
I've loved you with all of my heart, I gave you all of myself
Sacrificed myself to your tortures
I let you burn me and scorch me time after time
I gave excuses for this rhyme
I gave excuses for my love, and I stuck around, blaming myself
Not listening to the sound of your words, to the hurt you inflicted
I must be masochistic
I must admit I loved the physical pain
I loved the hate I felt when we fucked
It was our only remaining passion
I loved tearing up your body with my teeth
I felt so much hate that I wanted to kill you and meld with you simultaneously
I promised myself if you were truly the enemy
I'd kill you in the end
I'd make love to your dying body and lick at your wounds
I'd stab you until we were covered in your blood
I made love to the enemy...
I slept in his bed and I loved him
I know you'd deserve the pain
And without your nectar you'd feel every bit of it
And I'll feel pure bliss when I kiss the blood off your lips
When I slide my tung inside your mouth and taste you
When I fuck your dying body
I want to feel your hands clawing at my tits
I want to feel you rip me up inside
I want to ride your slippery bloody body
I want to fuck you as you die
I want to watch your soul fly away

Starphyre's Poetry: The monster inside him

Break-up- 2/26/08
This is the night Sam and I broke up, the day before he left to Chicago.
I haven't edited it, because this is how I felt...he cut me off in the middle of the poem and kicked me off his computer so he could start packing it up.

I feel so cold inside
I held on so tight
Wishing it was right
Hoping everything would be alright in the end
I tried to bend your willpower for you
Tried to show you a better way
I tried to play nurse in your psychiatric care
Fuck I feel like that whole time I wasn't even really there
Did you ever really look at me?
Or just through me...
Well now I think you've been secretly through with me
Me and my straight-laced ways
Me and my anti-drug phrase
Me and my individualistic optimistic pace
Me and every place we've ever been
Can we really look back, and find a time when we weren't struggling
To get through every day
To stay friends, to make ends meet while buying your addictive treat?
What the hell was I thinking, sitting in this seat I've chained myself too
Forgetting WHO I was
I know you love me
I know you care
But not for who I am, but what I do for you
You want a mother, and yours doesn't want you
You want to run back
To everything you ever were
You miss those days, where you were in control
And the drugs controlled you
You pulled me away
Into your deep dark depressive hole
And I know, you'll find someone new
I know prospects are already flying through your head
I know you've wanted to leave for a long time
And I realize this time I have to let you go
I'm holding everything in
Not one tear has fallen on my skin
My stomach is clinched in
My jaw tightened
My heart cracking like an old photograph
I can't breath
I feel like if I do all this pain will come pouring out
And I'll run right back to you
Begging you to stay
Falling pathetically at your feet
I can't let you defeat me again
I can't let you see me weak
I can't let you speak those swaying words
Pulling me back into your demented trap
I saw who you were
A mask
A facade
A drug I came down off of
Isn't it ironic?
Pathetic in every way
Your tears falling on my shirt
I saw those sorrowful eyes
The self-pity
And I've given enough tries
I don't deserve to hear another drunken slur
To watch another opiate nod
Your aren't my god
I won't worship you
I won't trade my soul for your pleasure
You won't break me
And I won't take you back
No I won't crack under the pressure
I won't look in your eyes
I won't let you touch me
I won't let you pull me back into oblivion
Your true colors shown through
Every time we make it better, the "good days" are shorter, and shorter
I had so much hope
So much faith
Was it all a waste?
Did I come all this way just for a broken heart and pieces of myself scattered across the netherverse
I won't repeat this verse, because I know you were just a curse
Just a plague that raged across the oceans of my soul
Just a disease my heart was taken by
And now I'll cut you out
I'll slice those memories out of my mind
I'll put them away, in a box is where they'll stay
And then someday, when the pain is just a numb stain, a withered scar
I pull them out again
I'll remember the good times, and forget the bad
I won't be mad anymore, I won't be sore of this numbing hurt
No...I'll soar away with these wings you tied behind my back
I'm fucking numb
I'm as numb as the toxic nectar you swallow
But I won't leave, I won't become the hollow shell left behind
I won't let you bind me to our past
I won't let your guiltrips rip at my consciousness
I won't bleed for you, and I won't seethe for you
I won't hold onto what you've done to me
I'll move on, I'll get ME back
I'll remember who I was
And I know I'm not alone
No...unlike you I didn't burn my bridges, I didn't hurt everyone in my path
I know you'll never find anyone as good as me
But that's not what you want...you want someone as low as you, to make you feel better
Is that why you loved me when I was just a self-hating recluse?
But you don't REALLY have an excuse
Although they may pour out of your mouth like woven stories; they're all lies and follies
Your just a manipulative FUCK
I think you feed off my light
Off my happiness and dreams
I think you eat them up and inside of you are the screams of everyone you've ever destroyed

A crossroad

*Note: I wrote this in my emotional distress over choosing to stay with my ex, or leave him. My views were slightly askew in my opinion.


It seems to me that every major, small, incidental detail of one's life always ends up back at a multi-choice crossroad.
And here it is; the ever present crossroad of my life is back to haunt me; signs are pointed in multiple directions...and even when I know deep inside the "right"path i should be taking, that damn beating writhing organ in my chest tells me otherwise every time.
Its a cruel game; walk away from the thing you spent so much time investing in, so you can move on and grow as person.
But it seems to me that the risks are so great; love is the hardest thing to let go of; even if toxic or hindering.
It seems so cruel that after all the memories; shared sorrows and joys, that it can all be destroyed by the jealous hurt will of another.
Retaining friendship after being so close is like struggling to keep the thread of a running sweater tucked away where no one can see...eventually it will all come undone, leaving you naked and exposed.
I saw I was in a cage, and the question is; will the person who put me in a cage be willing to sacrifice their ego and fears to keep me, or will they push me away by trying retain that last bit of delusional haze over me?
The truth is, it isn't love if they keep you tethered up like an animal...
Why; in my experiences do men feel they need to keep creatures locked away with no will of their own? Is it because they feel their power to be so limited that they have to do whatever they can to feel in control?
In my own way; I'm just as controlling; but for the opposite of reasons...I cant stand to sit on the sidelines and watch the person I am with destroy themselves; it isn't healthy for me, or them.
I have to deal with the consequences of their self-destruction; it takes away from my life, from my time, and drains my spirit of its very life-force and essence.
I will always be optimistic; the person who hopes for the best; for the changes I wish to believe in people; but time and time again I am let down.
I believe that I will always hope for the best no matter how much it hurts me, I have to be true to who I am, and always believe in the people in my life...