I'll never play nice again

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I guess its my fault I fell to hard, too fast And I ignored my inner voice playing in my head, he'll break your heart in two it said, over and over again Thoughts spin through my mind a thousand times but still these rhymes are twisted fairytales And its scary how frail I really am, how unstable the ground I stand is shifting my land And I demand he admit his feelings weren't non-existant But he turns as cold as ice, he was my only vice And all my tries were feeble attempts at a glimpse into his soul His only goal to pull me apart, see what makes me tick But the wick of my flame has died all the same And now all I crave is his taste, and the feel of his skin against mine Those dark probing eyes pulling me apart at the seams And now I hold back my screams and let the dark demented things that roam in my mind question what's inside of me I beg you to set me free, let my heart bleed out till there's nothing left to break, because I can't take one more second of this deafening silence It prays on me with violence, screaming like violins; heartwrenching in its sins Another chapter begins and I see its never the end, I'm eternal no matter how badly my soul bends and writhes in pain, I'm not dying, I'm just going insane I wish I could've tamed my emotions, kept you with me a little longer But these feelings come pouring out like oceans Every caress, every kiss, every penetrating gaze I felt my defenses melt, I felt my heart hook deeper into this sadistic game I'll never be the same I can only hope I don't ache for you forever, I can only hope I don't break and this love fever does I hope these chemicals flush from my system I hope my vision clears and my fears abade I hope my heart doesn't fade into numbing coldness I hope my boldness in love doesn't diminish into walls that finish these barriers and wrap around my soul That you don't pull me into oblivion That my sun will rise again, and I can give love another try, another time And hopefully mine will be returned not turned away like a leper trying to play with the distinguished of society My propriety turned to dust when I felt this unquenchable lust This passion; I've never felt such a tragic addiction And the infliction of your rejection was like knives in my stomach, and I just can't stomach this burning pain, this dying connection This is my last grain of comprehension I will fall to descension, I'll suck them all and I'll never break their fall I'll eat their insides and make my rides fast and dirty As the tides begin to push I'll shift alone this time Because I can't handle another tear at my soul My fire will be fueled by lust, and I'll let this love turn to ashes I'll rise again inside this creation I'll never accept another soul invasion This is my final revelation That I cannot station myself to another heartfelt admittance of my truths These wounds will heal, the black and blues that paint my soul in bruises will seal up and I won't give up on life No matter how much this strife rips at my insides, I'll never play nice again.

Death

Your words are like poison
Dripping in my ear with lies and filling my eyes with tears
Over the years you've chased me
Fulfilling the prophecy of your self chosen name, you are toxic in your games
I hear your tone, your voice and your words and I feel disgust
I feel hatred
I feel weariness in my state...
I rid myself of you, and then you pulled me back in
Psychically stalking me in our remaining connection
I should have taken the rejection
I should have left when you cursed my dreams
When you ripped apart the seams of my reality
Everything you say is a trap, a trick, a mind fuck
Your pessimistic attitude has given you coyotes luck
Why did I stick around?
I'm turning numb from the sound of your voice
Its gone on too long
I feel this has been nothing but a battle, and this song has been filled with sorrow
I feel your watching me
My every move, my every action
Your paranoia has spread like a disease
Please let me be free...
This toxic release has left these tumors to decease
I know who you are...
Your one of them
The dirty watchers that bend this reality to your slave mindset
Your own kind ruined you
And you let them, you took their pills and played their game, you were their victim because you strayed
You strayed from their path, you began to fall in love with me and love yourself as well
But you never severed them from your spyche
Why keep them around?
Why stay bound to the puppet masters that sound your actions
Why stay numb in your reactions, is emotion that painful?
I've loved you with all of my heart, I gave you all of myself
Sacrificed myself to your tortures
I let you burn me and scorch me time after time
I gave excuses for this rhyme
I gave excuses for my love, and I stuck around, blaming myself
Not listening to the sound of your words, to the hurt you inflicted
I must be masochistic
I must admit I loved the physical pain
I loved the hate I felt when we fucked
It was our only remaining passion
I loved tearing up your body with my teeth
I felt so much hate that I wanted to kill you and meld with you simultaneously
I promised myself if you were truly the enemy
I'd kill you in the end
I'd make love to your dying body and lick at your wounds
I'd stab you until we were covered in your blood
I made love to the enemy...
I slept in his bed and I loved him
I know you'd deserve the pain
And without your nectar you'd feel every bit of it
And I'll feel pure bliss when I kiss the blood off your lips
When I slide my tung inside your mouth and taste you
When I fuck your dying body
I want to feel your hands clawing at my tits
I want to feel you rip me up inside
I want to ride your slippery bloody body
I want to fuck you as you die
I want to watch your soul fly away

A crossroad

*Note: I wrote this in my emotional distress over choosing to stay with my ex, or leave him. My views were slightly askew in my opinion.


It seems to me that every major, small, incidental detail of one's life always ends up back at a multi-choice crossroad.
And here it is; the ever present crossroad of my life is back to haunt me; signs are pointed in multiple directions...and even when I know deep inside the "right"path i should be taking, that damn beating writhing organ in my chest tells me otherwise every time.
Its a cruel game; walk away from the thing you spent so much time investing in, so you can move on and grow as person.
But it seems to me that the risks are so great; love is the hardest thing to let go of; even if toxic or hindering.
It seems so cruel that after all the memories; shared sorrows and joys, that it can all be destroyed by the jealous hurt will of another.
Retaining friendship after being so close is like struggling to keep the thread of a running sweater tucked away where no one can see...eventually it will all come undone, leaving you naked and exposed.
I saw I was in a cage, and the question is; will the person who put me in a cage be willing to sacrifice their ego and fears to keep me, or will they push me away by trying retain that last bit of delusional haze over me?
The truth is, it isn't love if they keep you tethered up like an animal...
Why; in my experiences do men feel they need to keep creatures locked away with no will of their own? Is it because they feel their power to be so limited that they have to do whatever they can to feel in control?
In my own way; I'm just as controlling; but for the opposite of reasons...I cant stand to sit on the sidelines and watch the person I am with destroy themselves; it isn't healthy for me, or them.
I have to deal with the consequences of their self-destruction; it takes away from my life, from my time, and drains my spirit of its very life-force and essence.
I will always be optimistic; the person who hopes for the best; for the changes I wish to believe in people; but time and time again I am let down.
I believe that I will always hope for the best no matter how much it hurts me, I have to be true to who I am, and always believe in the people in my life...