Starphyre's Poetry: The monster inside him

Break-up- 2/26/08
This is the night Sam and I broke up, the day before he left to Chicago.
I haven't edited it, because this is how I felt...he cut me off in the middle of the poem and kicked me off his computer so he could start packing it up.

I feel so cold inside
I held on so tight
Wishing it was right
Hoping everything would be alright in the end
I tried to bend your willpower for you
Tried to show you a better way
I tried to play nurse in your psychiatric care
Fuck I feel like that whole time I wasn't even really there
Did you ever really look at me?
Or just through me...
Well now I think you've been secretly through with me
Me and my straight-laced ways
Me and my anti-drug phrase
Me and my individualistic optimistic pace
Me and every place we've ever been
Can we really look back, and find a time when we weren't struggling
To get through every day
To stay friends, to make ends meet while buying your addictive treat?
What the hell was I thinking, sitting in this seat I've chained myself too
Forgetting WHO I was
I know you love me
I know you care
But not for who I am, but what I do for you
You want a mother, and yours doesn't want you
You want to run back
To everything you ever were
You miss those days, where you were in control
And the drugs controlled you
You pulled me away
Into your deep dark depressive hole
And I know, you'll find someone new
I know prospects are already flying through your head
I know you've wanted to leave for a long time
And I realize this time I have to let you go
I'm holding everything in
Not one tear has fallen on my skin
My stomach is clinched in
My jaw tightened
My heart cracking like an old photograph
I can't breath
I feel like if I do all this pain will come pouring out
And I'll run right back to you
Begging you to stay
Falling pathetically at your feet
I can't let you defeat me again
I can't let you see me weak
I can't let you speak those swaying words
Pulling me back into your demented trap
I saw who you were
A mask
A facade
A drug I came down off of
Isn't it ironic?
Pathetic in every way
Your tears falling on my shirt
I saw those sorrowful eyes
The self-pity
And I've given enough tries
I don't deserve to hear another drunken slur
To watch another opiate nod
Your aren't my god
I won't worship you
I won't trade my soul for your pleasure
You won't break me
And I won't take you back
No I won't crack under the pressure
I won't look in your eyes
I won't let you touch me
I won't let you pull me back into oblivion
Your true colors shown through
Every time we make it better, the "good days" are shorter, and shorter
I had so much hope
So much faith
Was it all a waste?
Did I come all this way just for a broken heart and pieces of myself scattered across the netherverse
I won't repeat this verse, because I know you were just a curse
Just a plague that raged across the oceans of my soul
Just a disease my heart was taken by
And now I'll cut you out
I'll slice those memories out of my mind
I'll put them away, in a box is where they'll stay
And then someday, when the pain is just a numb stain, a withered scar
I pull them out again
I'll remember the good times, and forget the bad
I won't be mad anymore, I won't be sore of this numbing hurt
No...I'll soar away with these wings you tied behind my back
I'm fucking numb
I'm as numb as the toxic nectar you swallow
But I won't leave, I won't become the hollow shell left behind
I won't let you bind me to our past
I won't let your guiltrips rip at my consciousness
I won't bleed for you, and I won't seethe for you
I won't hold onto what you've done to me
I'll move on, I'll get ME back
I'll remember who I was
And I know I'm not alone
No...unlike you I didn't burn my bridges, I didn't hurt everyone in my path
I know you'll never find anyone as good as me
But that's not what you want...you want someone as low as you, to make you feel better
Is that why you loved me when I was just a self-hating recluse?
But you don't REALLY have an excuse
Although they may pour out of your mouth like woven stories; they're all lies and follies
Your just a manipulative FUCK
I think you feed off my light
Off my happiness and dreams
I think you eat them up and inside of you are the screams of everyone you've ever destroyed

A crossroad

*Note: I wrote this in my emotional distress over choosing to stay with my ex, or leave him. My views were slightly askew in my opinion.


It seems to me that every major, small, incidental detail of one's life always ends up back at a multi-choice crossroad.
And here it is; the ever present crossroad of my life is back to haunt me; signs are pointed in multiple directions...and even when I know deep inside the "right"path i should be taking, that damn beating writhing organ in my chest tells me otherwise every time.
Its a cruel game; walk away from the thing you spent so much time investing in, so you can move on and grow as person.
But it seems to me that the risks are so great; love is the hardest thing to let go of; even if toxic or hindering.
It seems so cruel that after all the memories; shared sorrows and joys, that it can all be destroyed by the jealous hurt will of another.
Retaining friendship after being so close is like struggling to keep the thread of a running sweater tucked away where no one can see...eventually it will all come undone, leaving you naked and exposed.
I saw I was in a cage, and the question is; will the person who put me in a cage be willing to sacrifice their ego and fears to keep me, or will they push me away by trying retain that last bit of delusional haze over me?
The truth is, it isn't love if they keep you tethered up like an animal...
Why; in my experiences do men feel they need to keep creatures locked away with no will of their own? Is it because they feel their power to be so limited that they have to do whatever they can to feel in control?
In my own way; I'm just as controlling; but for the opposite of reasons...I cant stand to sit on the sidelines and watch the person I am with destroy themselves; it isn't healthy for me, or them.
I have to deal with the consequences of their self-destruction; it takes away from my life, from my time, and drains my spirit of its very life-force and essence.
I will always be optimistic; the person who hopes for the best; for the changes I wish to believe in people; but time and time again I am let down.
I believe that I will always hope for the best no matter how much it hurts me, I have to be true to who I am, and always believe in the people in my life...

Reliv: Miracle cure, or scam?

Let me ask you a question...
If someone told you that your cancer could be cured, your achy bones could finally withstand the winter, your acne could be demolished, your wrinkles could be tightened without botox, or that every health problem you had, could be cured by drinking a shake; would you believe it?

In my opinion, I think the majority of the human race would like to believe in such a miracle cure.
And is it impossible? No...there are truly miracle products out there, such as Blue Green Algae, or its refined cousin StemEnhance. But; the truth is Americans don't have the time, patience, or necessary knowledge to do their own research.
Americans are ripe fruits waiting to be picked by all the greedy scammers waiting right there, in the light; with pictures of healthy faces and "authentic testimonies". The pages are covered with comforting words about how "simplicity and convenience are all you need in a supplement". And yet; there are no ingredients listed on the page, no information on the product besides an information request form. But innocent people are being scammed out of their money, these are working-class Americans who can't afford the medical treatment they need; they believe they have nothing to lose by spending $61 dollars on a supplement, because they are desperate for an answer. These companies know your weaknesses; they see a simple idea, and hopeful Americans wanting only to live a healthy life. They don't care about anyone but themselves, and their pocketbook.

I recently met a woman, at a temp job I am working, who is a seller for a product called "Reliv".
I knew from the instant she told me about it, that at 61.00 dollars this product was a scam.
She told me it cured her turrets, her migraines, and the health problems of her family members, and other people she knows through her "distributor network".
When I proceeded to ask her how it was processed, and what the ingredients were, she told me; "I'm not a scientist, I just know it works" and "Its been developed by scientists"
Anyone can be a scientist, if they have a brain and an education.

I went home and did my own research, I knew she expected me to be sold on her miracle cure, after her flagrant lies about how she had known of customers who have had their Grave's Disease cured(which I mentioned I had, before she said anything). She is an actress; literally, a broadway actress. I'm smart enough to know when someone is trying to play me, and I damn well won't take anything that doesn't have an ingredients list.
The bottom line, after searching through several dead end pages, its a protein shake made of soy, with a combination of vitamins, and herbs. All available at a very discounted price when buying in bulk from an herbal store, or online from a vitamin supplier such as NOW.
The grand total is 61.00 for the shake, but its other product lines include; a weight lost miracle cure, an acne treatment, etc etc.
These companies are giving supplements a bad name. We are in a constant war against the AMA, and the government, just to keep our natural supplements, and companies like this are the very evil giving us a bad name.

The dangers of soy are also very prevalent if one does enough research, it is a cheap mass produced grain, that a large portion of the populace is allergic to. How safe can a supplement without its ingredient listed be?

I encourage you to do your own research, before wasting money. It takes a couple minutes out of your day, as opposed to several days of labor lost to a "miracle cure". Can your family or you really afford to guess at the benefits of a mystery miracle product?

We're just the working class

Who are you
To look down on us;
The "working class" you consider pus
An infection we must be, in the eyes of your perfection
We build your high-rises and shine the windows reflecting our shiny sweat covered faces
Who are you
To look down on other races
Until you taste this blood and tears you've never known years of hardship
Who are you
On your private ship; sipping wine labored from a farmers efforts
Served to you on a silver platter
You can scatter the pieces of the chessboard any way you please;
and believe we'll always be on your leash
You tease us with petty treats, gifts to keep us quiet
Always dangling the carrot, forever re-angling the incentive
Just over that forever horizon
The prize on the end of the stick; as we stick our noses right up your asses
We're just the lower-classes
The majority, the gun-wielding hard workers of society
So where is your propriety when your pissing your pants
When your given a slaves rations
Where are your detached passions as you watch the starving child clinging to her mother
And you; with your expensive whore-lover, thinking she's nothing but a money-grubber
But can you see from her eyes
When theres nowhere left to turn
And all you yearn for is power; not dreams, hopes, or wishes
As she kisses you goodbye; you'll never see the tears of shame she hides
Your one night rides; an already faded memory
A degrading power-trip, to make your dick feel big
But your nothing; behind the suit, the education and plastic surgery
Just an animal afraid to get dirty

Confessions of a raw foodist: Part II

In the beginning of my diet I ate the following:

* Note: All references to olive oil and vinegar, are extra virgin cold pressed olive oil, and raw apple cider vinegar (with the mother). All references to mustard are apple cider vinegar mustards.

*Note: The marinated red peppers, capers, & olives are all naturally fermented/preserved in salt, apple cider vinegar, or lemon. All references to eggs are cage-free organic, local, fertile eggs.

Meals:

Ground beef rolled in cheese and sesame seeds, dipped in soy sauce

Ground beef mixed with various roots, and nuts, and cheese balled up and dipped in olive oil and vinegar with spices, soy sauce, or Dijon mustard

Ground beef lettuce wraps;
Romain lettuce, radish slices, grated carrot, turnip, burdock etc…olive oil and vinegar(red wine or balsamic)salt and pepper, olives, capers, marinated red peppers, cheese, pecans, sesame seeds, walnuts, almond slices, etc.

Ground beef sushi rolls:
Cheese, cucumber, avocado, sesame seeds, bell pepper, radish, etc rolled up in
nori, sliced and dipped in soy sauce.

Nori rolled with sashimi(Salmon or Ahi tuna), avocado, cucumber, olives, cheese, spices, sesame seeds, soy sauce etc.

Entrees:

Eggs;
Over easy-yolk unbroken for dipping ground beef or lunch meat slices
Scrambled eggs with;
Raw homemade salsa, raw cheese on top of cold salsa to prevent pasteurization, tomato, green pepper, spring onion, bacon, ham, etc… all ingredients were optional

Lunch meat such as;
Roast beef, ham, pastrami, salami, sausage, deer salami, deer sausage, and bacon.
Ham and cheese meat rolls

Lunch meat lettuce wraps:
Cucumber, bell pepper, radish, olive oil and vinegar, spices, olives, capers, cheese, etc

*Note: All lunch meat is all natural, nitrate and nitrate free.

Large amounts of salad;
Broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, radish, tomato, cucumber, avocado, carrot, various greens, various roots…

Salads were topped with;
Grated raw cheese, raw nuts, olives, capers, red peppers marinated, spices, etc

Cold Mexican avocado soup
Blended avocado with water, spices, salsa, olive oil
Topped with; tomato, spring or red onion, or broken up bacon, and raw cheddar

Fried plantain chips in palm oil;
Covered with sliced raw cheese, dipped in guacamole, or salsa, or topped with ground beef

Treats:

Fruits;
Oranges, apples, bananas, mangos, strawberries, cherries, peaches, apricots, pears

Homemade raw fruit/nut date bars
Honey, almond flour, raw almonds, dates, dried pineapple, dried apricot, dried raisins, shredded coconut, raw chocolate powder, raw pecans, cinnamon, etc.

Shredded coconut mixed with honey and pecans.

Nuts:
Pistachios, raw walnuts, raw almonds, raw sesame seeds, raw pecans, sunflower seeds

Fruit salad;
Apple and shredded carrot salad with raisins, preserved with EM, flavored with raw coconut fat, lemon juice, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla powder/glycerin, and raw honey
Mix fruit salad;
Previously frozen or fresh mix berries, strawberries, oranges, apples, bananas, pineapple etc.
Orange pecan fruit salad;
Oranges, pecans, cinnamon, honey, raw milk whipped cream

Fruit smoothies with;
Banana, raw coconut fat, frozen berries, raw milk, raw chocolate powder, raw cocoa nibs, raw honey, vanilla powder/glycerin (all ingredients optional, and not all mixed in at the same time)

Dark chocolate bars (75-90%)

Dried/Freeze-dried fruit:
Bananas, mango/spiced mango, apple, pineapple, raisins, shredded coconut, candied ginger, strawberries, apricots, prunes, etc

The way my current diet has changed, and what it now includes:

Ground beef (no added flavors or ingredients)

Salad: Greens & cucumber, with olives, and raw cheese
Olive oil and apple cider vinegar/lemon juice salad dressing

Occasional fruit;
Apple slices, half an orange, mango, cherries, blueberries

Dried fruit;
Pineapple, candied ginger

Nuts; Raw pistachios, raw pecans, raw sesame seeds, raw almonds

Cheese;
Raw sheeps milk, raw cows milk, raw cheddar and raw hard cheeses.

Nori; dipped in olive oil, with truffle oil, oregano, redmond sea salt
Wrapped around cucumber and avocado slices with cheese

I no longer eat fish raw fish, as it does not settle with my stomach.
Everything in my previous diet that I cut out is because it had side effects, or my body told me to discontinue eating it.

I enjoy my diet being as basic as it is, and so does my health!

I recommend the previous diet for those who are just beginning on the path of an RVAF diet, as it will help the transition from cooked food to raw, having plenty of treats and dressed up foods to compensate for the cooked food craving.

When you first start out on an RVAF diet, the best thing to do is experiment. Every person is different, and will have different reactions to different foods, keep an open mind; but listen to your body.

Recent works: Shirt bag

I made a bag to hold my sewing supplies! I used an old shirt my mom gave me, originally a velvet spaghetti strap, next time I'll include before and after, as well as process pictures. I just got caught up in the moment! I sewed the top up, to make the bottom, and the bottom I used the folded over seam as a draw-string. I then added a small pocket from a used lace shirt I had, and sewed on a button, for a closer.

The bag:


The shoelace draw-string closed:


The pocket detail:


Here are some new pictures I've drawn, until I get access to a working scanner they are all going to be my low-qaulity cellphone pictures!

A woman:



Her face I got from a sleepy hallucination in my favorite blue scarf, her pose from a picture of Jennifer Aniston: