Starphyre's Poetry: The monster inside him

Break-up- 2/26/08
This is the night Sam and I broke up, the day before he left to Chicago.
I haven't edited it, because this is how I felt...he cut me off in the middle of the poem and kicked me off his computer so he could start packing it up.

I feel so cold inside
I held on so tight
Wishing it was right
Hoping everything would be alright in the end
I tried to bend your willpower for you
Tried to show you a better way
I tried to play nurse in your psychiatric care
Fuck I feel like that whole time I wasn't even really there
Did you ever really look at me?
Or just through me...
Well now I think you've been secretly through with me
Me and my straight-laced ways
Me and my anti-drug phrase
Me and my individualistic optimistic pace
Me and every place we've ever been
Can we really look back, and find a time when we weren't struggling
To get through every day
To stay friends, to make ends meet while buying your addictive treat?
What the hell was I thinking, sitting in this seat I've chained myself too
Forgetting WHO I was
I know you love me
I know you care
But not for who I am, but what I do for you
You want a mother, and yours doesn't want you
You want to run back
To everything you ever were
You miss those days, where you were in control
And the drugs controlled you
You pulled me away
Into your deep dark depressive hole
And I know, you'll find someone new
I know prospects are already flying through your head
I know you've wanted to leave for a long time
And I realize this time I have to let you go
I'm holding everything in
Not one tear has fallen on my skin
My stomach is clinched in
My jaw tightened
My heart cracking like an old photograph
I can't breath
I feel like if I do all this pain will come pouring out
And I'll run right back to you
Begging you to stay
Falling pathetically at your feet
I can't let you defeat me again
I can't let you see me weak
I can't let you speak those swaying words
Pulling me back into your demented trap
I saw who you were
A mask
A facade
A drug I came down off of
Isn't it ironic?
Pathetic in every way
Your tears falling on my shirt
I saw those sorrowful eyes
The self-pity
And I've given enough tries
I don't deserve to hear another drunken slur
To watch another opiate nod
Your aren't my god
I won't worship you
I won't trade my soul for your pleasure
You won't break me
And I won't take you back
No I won't crack under the pressure
I won't look in your eyes
I won't let you touch me
I won't let you pull me back into oblivion
Your true colors shown through
Every time we make it better, the "good days" are shorter, and shorter
I had so much hope
So much faith
Was it all a waste?
Did I come all this way just for a broken heart and pieces of myself scattered across the netherverse
I won't repeat this verse, because I know you were just a curse
Just a plague that raged across the oceans of my soul
Just a disease my heart was taken by
And now I'll cut you out
I'll slice those memories out of my mind
I'll put them away, in a box is where they'll stay
And then someday, when the pain is just a numb stain, a withered scar
I pull them out again
I'll remember the good times, and forget the bad
I won't be mad anymore, I won't be sore of this numbing hurt
No...I'll soar away with these wings you tied behind my back
I'm fucking numb
I'm as numb as the toxic nectar you swallow
But I won't leave, I won't become the hollow shell left behind
I won't let you bind me to our past
I won't let your guiltrips rip at my consciousness
I won't bleed for you, and I won't seethe for you
I won't hold onto what you've done to me
I'll move on, I'll get ME back
I'll remember who I was
And I know I'm not alone
No...unlike you I didn't burn my bridges, I didn't hurt everyone in my path
I know you'll never find anyone as good as me
But that's not what you want...you want someone as low as you, to make you feel better
Is that why you loved me when I was just a self-hating recluse?
But you don't REALLY have an excuse
Although they may pour out of your mouth like woven stories; they're all lies and follies
Your just a manipulative FUCK
I think you feed off my light
Off my happiness and dreams
I think you eat them up and inside of you are the screams of everyone you've ever destroyed