Returning to Denver: Part II

On new years, the night of the end of the first day, of the new year...memories flooded my brains receptors...
I was suddenly aware that for months I have been in a state of shock. I have not been able to fully process or comprehend the events that my life had experienced. I went through more let downs and beat-downs than I had ever been through, in my whole life. Signs would line up, beautifully, fluidly, and then the illusion would come crashing down at the last minute, leaving me weary, tired, bedraggled, and at a loss for words. There is no way to explain in words, what my family and I went through. Life, or death, was throwing us around like a ping pong ball in the universe.
I felt cursed, I thought it would never end, when my spirit was thoroughly broken, I withdrew. I stopped trying. The little warrior girl inside me had been sleeping so long, that her strength had died away, with the fading of her callouses, and her scars. I knew this was a test, and that it had only begun. I knew that the deterioration of the system was falling apart rapidly, and that I had to grow a backbone soon. But I did nothing, and Kali the goddess of death and decay, laughed at me. She laughed at us all. She tried to dance with me but I ran, she tried to kill me but I ran. She tried to show me her face, but I screamed. And now, I wish I had just danced with her.
Now here I sit, knowingly understanding that it has just begun...that this is only a pause in the greater struggle. That I must be strong, I must not fall, or brood. I can't let anything get the best of me. That little warrior girl inside, needs to grow up.

Sky

Returning to Denver: My childhood hometown

November 21, 2007 - Wednesday

Many events have torn through my life like a harsh wind on a winters day...
I have been homeless, on the road, jobless, and full of dreams. I have seen many of my old homes, places I used to call my backyard, my home, my heartland. I have slipped back into time, for a fraction of my life's rhyme, and I have wonderered many a time, where am I going? I have seen old friends, who haven't changed a bit, and family I was too young to remember. I have been scared, and worn, tired and weary, and at times, utterly hopeless. I have cried, I have laughed, I've vegged in front of a motel TV watching CSI. I've grown, and yet somehow I'm younger. More innocent in realizing that I will always be ignorant, no matter how grand my knowledge. I have seen my family a victim of carthieves, and tool thieves, and wished I could have done somthing. I have gained family, and camped in the rain. I have been selfish, and rude, and careless...and humbled in my own right.
I have travelled through many lands, and stayed in a motel from the 1900's...unable to sleep and feeling the carpet stick to my feet. I have smiled at strangers, and came upon a pack of doe in a rest stop...locking eyes with the buck, I watched his glowing eyes as he paused, and then moved on.
I have seen endless miles of yellow flatlands, and rolling foothills, imagining they were a giants feet. I have seen the Joshua trees, and marvelled at their resemblence to brocolli...
I've climbed mountains, and passed through tunnels, but of course I wasn't the driver.
And in the end, I was able to pause, before I continued on my journey, to rest in the comfort of family, and take stock of my resources. As I now sit here, the colorado snow stops falling, it blankets the city in white, and the sky clears of gray clouds.

My currents: Life

Current Mood:
Dreamy, melancholy, full, cold, determined.

Current Attire:
Sweatshirt, black skinny jeans, and ankle socks.

Current Hair:
Bangs, red and black shag cut, long.

Recent movies/shows watched:
Witchblade the anime series: Amazing show
Brotherhood of the wolf: Favorite movie
Serendipity: Classic
Stardust: Really cute!
I now pronounce you chuck & Larry: Loved it.

Current music taste:
Gothic, ethereal, orchestra, symphony, industrial, middle eastern, and deathmetal/hard rock.

Current goals:
Daily yoga
Drink more water
Get another part time job
Get into apartment with my fiance

Current room:
My aunts apartment, in her spare bedroom.

Current occupation:
Florist
Artist
Sewing new clothes from my old ones

Recent finds:
A kick-ass mirror in the apartment trash, while dumping the catlitter box:


Current favorite place to shop:
Whole foods
Vitamin cottage

Current fears:
Being locked inside this apartment for too long.

Current creations:








Last but not least....
Happy fucking new years!!!!

Wake up: Steps toward consciousness

How do you become conscious?
You may think that you are currently aware of your surroundings, what's going on in your life, and that you have full control of your current situation...
I could be wrong though, you may have absolutely no idea what's going on, and your crying out for help, wondering what life is all about? Maybe your a complete mess!
Whatever your situation; these simple things will help crank up your consciousness levels.

Here you are, sitting at your computer, in your room, maybe your living room or kitchen, reading this blog. Look around you, what kind of drink are you drinking? Are you even drinking anything, does your body need water? What's sitting on your desk?
What does your desk look like?
What is hanging on your walls?
What is the texture of your carpet?
Is everything neat and organized, or a catastrophe?

No...really LOOK at things. Just because you KNOW what's sitting on your desk, or in your closet, or pantry, doesn't mean you really acknowledge its existence.
Seriously pay attention, look past that slight blur of disinterest hazing your vision.
Sharpen those pupils, put on your glasses, check out that cup your drinking out of.

When you leave your house to run errands, pay attention to your steps, to the things around you. Make sure your really breathing.

A good test, go to the grocery store, and go to the produce section. Whenever you see something you've never tasted or smelled, pick it up, analyze it, smell it, feel the texture, the weight, the color. Look at everything around you, really focus on things.

To break out of that routine unconscious haze requires doing things you've never tried before.
I'm not talking about skydiving; it always blows my mind how people think that's breaking out of a box. I'm also not talking about going to a new restaurant for lunch, although that helps.
Maybe there's a little antique or thrift shop you've always wanted to go into, and maybe you finally go in. Try on one of those vintage outfits, or really pay attention to how cool all the old magazines and signs are. Imagine yourself in another time period, and imagine what it would be like.
Maybe go up to the mountains or your local park, get a local plant guide for your area, and learn your surroundings. Actually learn the qualities and names of your local flowers and weeds.

Now this is only a few ideas on how to break out of your boxes, but another very important factor in consciousness, is your inner life.
How often do you pay attention to your pets?
When was the last time you took your kid to the park, or went on a date with your other half?
How clean is your house?
Maybe instead of going to jack-in-the-box for lunch, learn how to make a new dish and cook it the night before work.
How healthy do you think your eating?

These are just a few simple things on how to stay conscious, as you move forward, and become more aware, you will start to interact with your own life more, instead of being a bystander.
What are your ideas about being conscious?

Animal

Let them
Give me dirty looks
Recite to me what they've read in books
Tell me propaganda
I know they can't stand the...
Lack of disease, lack of excuses
Get on your knees
Prey to your god to cure you of your unease
I will do what I please
Let them
Give me dirty looks
Tell me it has to be cooked
And repeat their programming at me
They spat at me their beliefs as though it was the only truth
But the lie is written on their skin
Like the bible they hold so preciously to their chests
They invest so much money
So much time
On their disease sugarcoating it with honey
And little blue pills to cure all of their ills
But caught in stills, photographs and videos
Their plague is that of sickness
And the thickness of their skulls
Does nothing to null their pains
Only damage their brains and smile innocently they laugh at me
Like I'm crazy, the clown that's always been around
For them to point at, and yet there's no problems to point out
Because I am an animal
I paint my skin in animal fat
And dye my hair in our mothers plants
I am an animal
I fuck like an animal and scream like one too
I will howl at the moon and paint myself in mud
Because she who bore me, my fears are only of those who are walking dead
Zombies in the flesh
They are not animals, but humans
They are what they claim to be, separate from me
And separate from mother
They are like no other
Destruction is their only will and all they can do is kill
I've had my fill but their flesh I will not ingest
That virus must be like their fabrication of the words on their papyrus
They are empty and I am full off my kill
I will slowly suck their will
Until their will to breed has left them without seed
And this I need...this sustenance and bloody meat
I will eat with relish
While they cook and burn and char and scorch their processed portion
I eat it raw, with my paws
My cause is happiness
They tell me that bliss is irresponsible, that living in the moment is foolish
Well at least that goulish face reciting their lack of taste in living isn't my friend
I will bend like a tree
And dance like the wind
Careless I will spend my endless time living out my life's rhyme
Shameless I will tear at my food with my hands and teeth and breathe in the smell of a bloody fresh kill
That's my only pill

I miss my city: Seattle poetry on the bus

This is an old poem I wrote, last summer, while riding the bus through my neighborhood.

The city has eyes
It watches our tries, our failures
It commends our success
The moss and vines crawl up to the skies;
Hanging onto freeway walls
And buildings reaching for the hazy sky
Leaves fall from autumn trees
Litter the sidewalks and streets;
With a crunching cacaphony of crackles
Weeds rise up from mowed grass
And sway their yellow dandelion dance
Chipped cement clutters a street
The roads are lined with cracks telling a story like wrinkles on a face
Navy blue, buttermilk yellow, teal and jet black houses line the neighborhood streets
An old VW Van stands like the bones of an animal, as moss and mildew tint the windows green; and rust decays its decrepit scene
Blackberry brambles conquer yards and hide shards of of broken bottles and decaying trash
Pinecones dot a drivway; overhanging with wild branches of evergreens
Paint chips fleck from a picket fence
A lake overgrown with trees and plants; ducks sway in the murkey waters they lay
A man pulls shingles from a church roof
And I sigh at all the beauty, as my bus pulls to a stop

Starphyre's Poetry: Family

What is a city, but a distraction? A quick interaction between millions of faces, but a only a fraction will be the friends we have attraction, like magnets among tin, the connection is slim; the odds are grim, we touch bases not as a friend; but a number in a grid...
I rid myself of numbers, and now I am left with only family, and nothing is as we planned it to be.
We soon see, that even a few of you and me; is friction and discord, but without each other disconnection is our only story, and how many stories can one man tell of hermatage in a cell; and to who will he recite his deeds but to a wall, and his reflection in a well.